Viva the Vuvuzela!

I've previously written something on the ongoing furore about the noise the vuvuzela makes and here's a pro-vuvuzela article I found.

Bafana Bafana will win next year's World Cup hands down by a mile, because I have this cunning plan involving the use of South Africa's most powerful cultural weapon of mass distraction.

Viva the Vuvuzela, Viva!

Forget the Mexican wave, let's start practicing the Vuvuzela Tsunami.

What got me going on this was Spain's Xabi Alonso who said they should be banned, then a whole lot of overseas soccer fans and a bunch of European TV stations complained that the Vuvuzelas were ruining everything.

Thankfully, South Africa's favourite sugar-daddy, Sepp Blatter, stepped in a said that Fifa wouldn't ban the Vuvuzela. Viva Sepp, you biscuit! You're da man. Viva the Vuvuzela, viva!

So, what's the marketing strategy for 2010? How are we going to use the Vuvuzela to ensure victory for Bafana?

Simple.



Angry elephants

First of all, what a lot of foreign players and their fans don't know is that the noise created by the Vuvuzelas at the Confed Cup games was nothing. Chickenfeed compared with what could happen in 2010. After all, the Confed Cup stadia were half empty which meant that the Vuvuzela power was generally at about the same level as Eskom during a nationwide power outage.

Right now, they sound like a swarm of angry bees but what we need to do is lift our Vuvuzela game to the sound of a herd of angry elephants that have just been given gigantic enemas of turpentine and chilli. The sort of sound suggesting that certain death is only a breath or two away.

But, reaching the sort of level that will have all the 2010 teams barring Bafana completely distracted, confused and scoring own goals right left and centre, will not be easy to achieve. It will need dedication, practice, loyalty and a will to win.

It will also need Parliament to draft legislation very quickly making it mandatory for every South African citizen attending a 2010 game in which Bafana are playing, to buy a Vuvuzela.

Secondly, a National Vuvuzela Academy of Music and Incredibly Loud Noises should be established and government should subsidise lessons for all soccer fans in mastering the Vuvuzela.

Local and overseas opera divas and wind-instrument maestros from the world’s greatest orchestras need to be hired to staff the Academy and teach Bafana fans how to maximise their lung capacity.

Bafana Bafana would win the 2010 World Cup hands down. And the world will get to know very quickly that Africa is not for sissies.

All South African soccer fans should be required by law to give up smoking from Jan 1, 2010 in order to increase their blowing power.

Vuvuzela clubs should be formed to get fans to be able to blow in unison and to be able to adjust their pitch from sounding like a swarm of bees to increase in crescendo to what will sound like that breeding herd of thoroughly pissed elephants.

Sign language

Then, Bafana Bafana needs to attend a series of secret training camps where they will learn sign language so that they can communicate with each other on the field. They will also have to undergo aural-transformation therapy to ensure that they develop sound deadening "cauliflower ears". Just like rugby players except on the inside.

Of course, there have been quite a number of fuddy-duddy South Africans who have joined the chorus to have the Vuvuzela banned. An intense advertising campaign should be aimed at them with headlines reading something like; "If you don't like Vuvuzelas, get over it" or "If you don't like Vuvuzelas, stick to ping pong you wimps."

I reckon the noise generated by Vuvuzelas at the Confed Cup is probably only about 6% of the potential.

And if that has distracted the opposition then imagine what a full-blown 100%, continuous 90 minute blast from 50 000 massed Vuvuzelas would do?

Bafana Bafana would win the 2010 World Cup hands down.

And the world will get to know very quickly that Africa is not for sissies.

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Credit: Chris Moerdyk of News24

Soccer noisemakers: a brief history

The current controversy over the vuvuzela at the Confederations Cup in South Africa is hardly the first debate about “artificial” noisemakers used by football fans. In different forms, their use has been common across the world for over a century.

So is the vuvuzela an organic instrument of South African football culture we should respect, or a commercialized nuisance that should be banned?

The Rattle

The first popular noisemaker in football — and one that made a sound to make even a vuvuzela wince — was the wooden rattle in Britain.

Though appearing as early as 1900, the rattle became the ubiquitous din to football matches in Britain after the world war. They had been popularised during the war as a way of warning people of gas attacks: their simple noise making capacity saved many lives. Holding the handle and spinning the rattle made a loud clacking noise, and this was soon transported to the terraces.

The Thunderstick

According to The Pitch Invasion, the thunderstick emerged in the 1990s in Korea, and quickly spread to North America at baseball, football and political rallies. The air chambers inside the inflated plastic baton amplifies the sound of the sticks clapped together, meaning even a child can create quite a racket. The advantage of thundersticks from a commercial standpoint is that, unlike rattles, they are large enough to feature a prominent company logo and can be produced cheap enough to mass distribute for free before games.

The Vuvuzela

And so we come to the vuvuzela. Originally made out of tin, they were mass produced in plastic in the last decade and have reached a new fame with the worldwide debate on their use prompted by the hum at every Confederations Cup game in South Africa. Many mistake the vuvuzela for the air horns used commonly around the world, but they have a different origin and use as an instrument in South Africa. BBC's Farayi Mungazi says in the defense of the instrument's use in the rainbow nation:

“That is what African and South Africa football is all about - noise, excitement, dancing, shouting and enjoyment,” said the most powerful man in world football.

"I could not have put it better myself. Banning the vuvuzela would take away the distinctiveness of a South African World Cup.

"It is a recognized sound of football in South Africa and is absolutely essential for an authentic South African footballing experience.

"After all, what would be the point of taking the World Cup to Africa, and then trying to give it a European feel?

"Let us all embrace the vuvuzela and whatever else a South African World Cup throws at us.

"The fact that some in Europe find it irritating is no reason to get rid of it."

So then, that is that.
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Confed Cup: the up side for the African theme

Two days of Confederations Cup action have gone and Africa's reps have all lost.

Egypt played heroically but lost to Brazil while South Africa made a mess of great chances and drew 0-0 with Iraq.

Despite these setbacks for the African challenge, the fans at the tournament have been loud with their vuvuzelas and other noise-making devices.



It can only be in South Africa! Great atmosphere. If this is a harbinger of things to come then the World Cup next year would be one hell of a noise-maker!

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